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| Being an effective listener is a role to be respected & it is an essential part of developing strong & enduring relationships in our lives |
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Be a Better Listener
We all have a need to be listened to & acknowledged. Sometimes, having someone listen to ‘our story’ is all we need to feel better about ourselves.
We can gain clarity & wisdom by sharing our thoughts & feelings with others. Expressing ourselves in words can be a great way to release pent up emotions that can cause us great pain & anguish.
Sometimes we are the ‘listened to’ & sometimes we are the ‘listeners’. Being an effective listener is a role to be respected & it is an essential part of developing strong & enduring relationships in our lives.
So, what makes a good listener? Here we share some thoughts on how we can all be better listeners.
• Always try to give your full attention to the person who is talking. Avoid looking around the room or fiddling as this tells the person you are not fully engaged in what they are saying and may put them off being as open & honest as they’d like to be.
• Try not to interrupt or say too much unless the other person asks for your input. Use non-specific verbal language such as ‘mmm’ & ‘right’. Use non verbal cues such as nodding or slanting your head to the side to show you are listening. Your body language is also important. Try to keep it as neutral as possible & avoid crossing your arms & legs or leaning in or away too much. You neither want to crowd the person nor seem disinterested.
• When you do speak try to use words that the other person has used. This mirroring effect will help the other person feel they are understood. Try to clarify what you feel they have been saying to you. Something like “You sound as though you are worried/scared/upset about……..” Ask “How do you feel about……..” Sometimes people can focus too much on what they think about a situation and avoid talking about what they really feel. Ask open ended questions to help them keep talking……….
• Avoid making jokes to help ‘lighten’ the situation. They may not be appreciated and may make the person feel you are not taking them seriously. Also, try not to launch into a similar story about yourself or someone else you know. Remember listening is about focussing on the other person not on you. Allow the person to own ‘their story’, we may be able to empathise with them but we can never assume that their feelings are the same we would have in a similar situation.
• Try not to get caught up in the other person’s emotions. Staying as neutral as possible will help much more than becoming entangled in their pain & distress. Let them cry if they need to. Avoid saying “Don’t cry”, or “Sssh, its ok”. Things are obviously not ok and crying is a good way to release the pent up emotions that words alone cannot. In this situation make sure that any physical contact you offer is appropriate. Smothering someone with a big bear hug may feel too much but a gentle hand on their shoulder may help them to feel reassured. Judge the situation with tact & respect.
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